Lockdown 3.0 has been the hardest one yet and it’s difficult to see when we might be coming out of the other side. Since finding out I was pregnant, I’ve witnessed the country become progressively worse and it has just heightened my anxiety and at times, felt very low. Being pregnant is not how I imagined it being when I found out. And it’s been so so tough. I’m now at 29 weeks and with only 11 weeks to go, it’s hard not to panic at the situation we find ourselves in. Or trying not to think ahead and what the world will be like when the baby is born.
Tom and I are extremely lucky that the pregnancy has been straightforward and the only problems have been bad morning sickness for the first 15 weeks, extreme tiredness and back ache. We already love our little baby more than anything and like all parents, just want the best for it. That includes stability, support and love from us, and extended family and friends. It saddens me that some of my friends and family haven’t seen my bump, or felt the baby move around. I won’t be able to have a baby shower, go into a shop and pick a pram or baby monitor, or for Tom and I to go out for a nice meal before the baby is here. I feel like I’ve missed out on so much and it’s hard to not feel sad about that.
As we edge closer to our due date, I can feel my anxiety rising. I just want to cuddle my baby and know that it’s ok. We decided not to find out what we’re having and it adds to the anticipation! We have our names picked out whether it is a boy or a girl and have plenty of clothes to keep us going.
The anxiety comes from the lockdown itself and the loneliness it has evoked. As I’m classed as clinically vulnerable, I am pretty much shielding at home. When the weather is nice, I am trying to get out with Hendricks, but this week I’m been a massive hermit and it has not been good for my mental health. Unfortunately, it’s so easy to get stuck in a rut and a cycle of negativity. Which is exactly where I’ve found myself. I barely cooked anything last week, didn’t eat a lot and spent a lot of time upset, feeling isolated. Feeling like that is terrible. You want to pull yourself out of it but it seems impossible. Which in turn, makes you feel even worse! I feel horrendously guilty that Tom has to constantly see me looking miserable, crying or just feeling/ saying negative things.
The one thing I have taken from this week is to just take each day as it comes. I’ve been trying not to overwhelm myself and to manage time better. I have chucked myself into reading and when I have been feeling negative about myself (particularly the way I look at the minute), I’ve been steering clear of social media. I have found myself comparing myself and my bump to other pregnant women on instagram etc and quite frankly, it’s just made me feel like crap. I know I shouldn’t as everyone is built differently etc, but sometimes you just can’t help it. So for me, it’s better if I don’t look and get myself into a better headspace. Another thing I have started is a journal. I don’t write in it every night, but I have been trying to unload my little brain of intrusive thoughts before bedtime.
My only hope is that by time I have the baby, restrictions would have eased slightly and it will be our last lockdown. I hate the thought of no one being able to meet the baby when it arrives and spending the whole of Tom’s paternity leave at home, unable to go out and show off our little one! As I’m sure we will be desperate to! I’m looking forward to Spring more than ever this year. Spring is a sign of new life and hope, going into the warmer months and I feel like we all need a bit of magic this year.
Let’s hope things begin to change and we turn a positive corner soon.
Sending love to you all.